A New Beginning

I have had a few new beginnings in my life.  This year is one that I cherish the most.  On January 1 I started my period again.  To many it is normal and an every day thing.  For me it was horrible and I cried.  The IUI did not work.  Was it ever going to happen?  We did not have the money to get up very high in Fertility.  I thought maybe it was time to give up for now and just try to lose more weight.  I had the Lapland done and am down 60 pounds.  My blood pressure had been good after only 30 pounds.  The doctor was happy and this was try number three.  You say only try number three?  Why so upset?  Well the first time there was still no ovulation and there was on try 2 and 3.  The third time is when IUI was tried.  But for me we have not been on birth control at all because I have PCOS.  I can skip a period or two no problem or have one every two weeks.  In my 20's I bled for 5 years straight.  So you see to me this was maybe God telling me it was not meant to be.   They said this round we would do shots.  Which could cost a bit and we are on a tight budget.  I was like is it wise?  John said we could try once and then not for a while.  I did not think I could handle it again.  My Mom encouraged me as well.  John was so for it that I was like ok, but still scared.  My heart could only take so much more. 

So Day Three of my Period the shots began.  and Then it went to check for ovulation.  And I ended up ready for ovulating a couple of days early so they gave me the shot.  It was time to get ready for the IUI.  Jan 12 and 13 the IUI was performed.  Now the big waiting game.  I say game, but it was almost torture to me.  After one week they text your progesterone levels.  So on Jan 20 they tell me mine is great at 33.  Now you think wow nice, but the first three times it was also great so to me it was just something else setting me up for heartbreak.  You think wow so negative.  But it is not easy to want something so bad as this and not know if you will ever receive it, if it is meant to be.  I want God's will for me and if God wanted me to only adopt I was going to be ok with that but all this trying and possibilities got me wanting it more.  Wanting it more made it hurt more.  And each time it didn't happen made my heart crush 10 times more than the last time. 

Now on to week 2 when they test for pregnancy.  Every time tried becomes the longest two weeks of a couples life.  And then waiting for the test results on that day makes every phone ring heart pounding.  My test was on Jan 27.  I could not breath.  John and I agreed that I would tell him when he got home in person the news, this was unless the news was not good and I broke down too much.   They called me and told me I was pregnant!  My HCG was 42.  I was hearing her talk but my brain was trying to understand what I was hearing.  Did I hear right?  Am I going crazy?  Am I really on the phone?  I said thank you and hung up..  I didn't know what to do..   I just sat and stared.  There was NO WAY waiting for John was going to happen.. That was impossible!!! Are you kidding me?  So I called his desk phone.. no answer..  REALLY!?  I called again! nothing.. OK breathe..  wait five minutes..  OMG I can't wait five minutes!!!  so I called again!  nothing!  THAT IS IT!!!  now his cell does not work well there so this may not work.  First I texted him screaming I am trying to call.  Like he can hear a text lol..   I then called his cell, he answered and I screamed.. omg I am trying to CALL YOU!!!  he is like I am in the bathroom..  then I just yell..  "I CAN'T TAKE IT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU!  I AM PREGNANT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DADDY!"  So yeah I break the news to John while he is on the pot!  this will be a fun one to remember lol..

The emotional roller coaster does not stop here though.  They test your blood ever two days.  So two days later, Jan 29 I get my blood test to check my HCG levels..  They are supposed to double up every two to three days.  We get the call and my levels dropped a point.  Now it is 41.  They say it might be bad news.  Already miscarrying or ectopic.  News that started my heart breaking again.  They said to come back on Monday for another test.  So Jan 31 waiting for the results.  My levels only go up to 57.  The doctor wants me to stop taking my progesterone.  They have you take progesterone because it is essential for a woman to have good levels being pregnant and most fertility patients have issues producing it well enough alone.  So stopping progesterone if there is a baby meant my body had to produce enough on it's own to help provide for the baby.  He was pretty sure I would start my period again in a couple of days.  My heart was breaking all over again and every time I went to the bathroom I held my breath.  Nothing happened. 

So Monday morning Feb 7 I called the doctor as requested to get an ultrasound and see what was going on.  John goes with me..  The doctor looks and he sees that I  have something implanted on my uterus.  He is shocked.  He was sure if I didn't start my period it could be ectopic or something like that.  So onto get my blood test to see what is going on with my HCG.  The doctor says that pregnancy is not probably but not impossible.  We wait again.  Up and down with emotions and spurts of crying.  I answer the phone and this time it is the doctor himself calling.  He is all surprised.  my HCG levels jumped they are 1155.  He says it is a miracle.  He says we still have to watch me.  He is not sure what will happen and I have jumped to high risk.  He wants me back on progesterone.  my levels were good but he still wanted me on it just in case and to see me in another week. 

We are still on edge.. the ups and down of this can get to you and then they are like ok don't stress its not good for you and the baby.. oh really you try not stressing!!!!  I had wanted to write a poem for my baby but I kept waiting.  The next day was Valentines Day and we would soon found out if the baby was growing or if it would just an implantation with nothing inside.  I should wait.  I felt a tug on my heart.  Don't wait.  This was hard for me.  What if I write a poem and nothing happens?  I gave in to the tugging.  This is what I wrote to my child.

A Miracle You Are

Growing inside of me

I have this sense of wonder
Will you look more like Daddy
Or like me, I sit and ponder

God has given me a huge blessing
A miracle you are, you must know
God loves you more than I am stressing
I can’t describe, but I hope to show

I finally get to be a Mommy
What will you be like, I’m not sure
But I am hoping that you and me
Through it all, will endure

God has made you with Hands so gentle
No matter how you feel
Never forget that you are special
A miracle you are, you must know

2/13/11

The next Morning Valentines day.  We go back to the doctor.  We see the ultrasound and there you see it.  A tiny egg forming inside the sac that had implanted in my uterus.  A miracle.

We had a doctor's appt every Monday morning my first trimester.  On Feb 21st we saw the heartbeat  for the first time.  Our last doctor's appt with the fertility doctor was March 31.  He called it Graduation Day.  April 2 I started my second trimester.  We had our ups and downs after that too but I am not as high risk now and we are on our way.. I freak out because we have to wait so long to know the baby is ok for sure.  I am starting to fill him or her move now.  You would think I could get on that and be excited.  My fear is sometimes takes over, but I look back and I know my baby is ok.  I am now 17 weeks and so can't wait to hold our child for the first time.  We see the Ob, whom I absolutely love, again on May 11.  Then we will get the paperwork to find out the sex of our child.  From there we get to register.  I am so excited for this new beginning of our family. 

HUGS to you for reading my newest beginning.

A poem I wrote in Nov or Dec.

I cannot find the exact date but will post it when I find it.

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts
My heart aches
For the children
I long to hold and love

I do understand
That they will not
Be called my own
They’ll belong to God

I love the children
That we should cherish
All I ask of you Lord
Is for this privilege

I ask that whether
I am able to conceive
Or you bring them to me
I can raise them to love You

 
Since this Poem God has done a Miracle.  Through Artificial Insemination, I am now pregnant.  I am almost 15 weeks.  We are so excited.  It was not an easy thing in getting here.  Also right after we found out I was, there were dangers of us losing our precious one.  God decided no, that we will keep him or her.  I am already in love with my child and cannot wait until I hold him or her.  After TTC and what was going on I think I am ready to write again and hope not to have as much down times.  
 

Some new Poems by Me

Jan 23rd
Jesus is Due

A Trial you are in
Time to Call on God it is
The devil does not want that
Instead, he wants you in a tiz

How did this trial come?
Was someone mean?
Are you sick or out of
Nowhere it come, it seems?

There is no matter of that
Against flesh and blood it is not
A spiritual warfare is what you see
Bitterness and anger won’t help it stop

On your knees is where to be
Out showing God’s love is what to do
Don’t let the devil rock your world
Let the World know Jesus is Due!


Jan 25
Are you too busy to show love?

You have a ton to do today
You’re not sure you’ll get it done
And you even begin to panic,
Wanting to get in a little fun

You run around not even looking
To your left or to your right
Not seeing who God put there
Needing a little bit of your light

This world is not what is true
All the pain, bills, sickness, etc. will end
Only what Jesus did for us matters
He is the one who set the trend

Jesus is coming back soon
Do those around you know His love?
We think our life on earth is everything
All things here will end, except what is above.

The Craziness of Life

Today John was talking about how fast life goes.  He just turned 33 yesterday and was like wow life is going fast and I wonder if the next 33 years will go just as fast.  Well this got me thinking.  Why is is that I don't feel that way?  I am 35 so I have 2 years on him and I do not feel my life is going by fast at all.  This year alone has been crazy for me.  I have been sick this whole year.  I am just now getting better and we are going to be on month 7 tomorrow.  I have felt distance from all my friends.  Not that it is their fault they get busy and have a life too.  Me I feel like all I give out is drama drama drama to people.  I get the feeling like some of my friends do not want to deal with me and my drama.  I even apologized to John today about that.  Saying he might have a better life if my life was not entwined in his.
Today my brother in law was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in is spinal cord and brain stem.  They are still seeing what is up with it and if it can be removed or not.  He is 27.  it is crazy.  So now I am thankful that my lump is benign.  I have a lot more lumps or nodules as the doctor says, (the are assuming that they are all the same and I will be ok but are watching me) but even if they have to remove them all eventually, the worse I am going to have is a shaved head with a bunch of small scars from removing them.  This is because they are not in my brain.  Ray could become paralyzed or even die and leave his beautiful daughter, my niece and his beautiful wife, my sister behind.  Yes he is a Christian and will go to be with our Lord but my sister will be a widow at the age of 24.  I can't even fathom that one.
OK back to the craziness of life.  I do not think my life has gone to fast at all.  I won't say it is going too slow though.  Then I look back at my life and see all the insanity and feel like I have lived a ton of lives.  Before my parents divorced and after, being homeless, going back and forth between California and Illinois until I was 18, College, trying to figure out what is supposed to happen since I have graduated college, on to a marriage that failed, and now married again to my wonderful husband John.  FYI that was putting it lightly.  There is way more I could say but I am sure that you see my point about crazy without the violent things I could add in there.  When I look at all that and try to think back it comes to me on why I don't see my life as going too fast.  Maybe everyone looks back and wonders wow.  But when I hear talking about how fast life is, I wonder and consider a few times I wish it went faster, but I think right now I am ok with the pace of my life.
  All I know is that I am so glad I found Jesus.  I am not even sure I would be alive today without Him.  Jesus is my Rock and has provided me with 2 people in my life to get me through things.  The same 2 the whole time.  My Mom and my Sister.  They have been there from the beginning and I don't make sense without them.  There have been others to come into my life for certain times I know I would not have survived without them there.  I thank God for them to.  Many are very special to me, but these stand out because they have seen me at my worst and I pray that will see me at my best one day.  I can say this, my 30's have been the best so far.  I think John has a lot to do with that.  My loving Husband.  He puts up with a lot being married to me because I am still growing and maturing.  He says that I make his life interesting.  Well I am glad I am good for something :).
So yes I have Jesus, and that is how I survive the craziness of life, well my life that is.  For all of you who have been there and know the deep background thank you and I am sorry for the times my drama stressed you out.
I do have to say this.  Everything I have been through makes me who I am today.  And I know it is not even close to over.  God already told me what he wants me to do. The problem I have is He has not told me how or ever where to find the open door to get that done.  Then I go back and read my other blog about God's timing and not mine and think to myself.. OK FINE!  I will give it to God sit back and try to go with the flow of my crazy life.  I am hoping maybe in all this I can actually help someone who needs it and make a difference for them.
Thank you God for always being there and even when I cannot feel it you were always holding my heart in your hands.  Please do the same for my family right now and even let then feel it like you let me one time.

John 15

To me John 15 says it all.  We are forewarned from Jesus Himself the He is the only way to get to Heaven and  that Christianity is not easy.  The only part that is easy is to accept Jesus is the only way.  Well for some it is easy and as you can tell for a lot it is not easy.. what?  they ONLY way?  why?  The stubbornness in man makes it not so easy. We are told to do one thing only and we want to do something else.  We are told it can't work and we want to prove them wrong.  Stubbornness comes in handy at times like survival but not when following Jesus.  And that is just the beginning of it not being easy.  Even though that should just be the easiest part.  To get to Heaven you need to get on this bus.  It is us who make that part hard.  Why that bus? why not a car? why not walk?  What we forget is that God sent His only Son to die for us.. in our place.  Jesus does not just tell us what to do but He did it first.  He is right there with us holding our hands taking us through what He is talking about.  That is the reason for the Bible.  It is a history lesson, a love story, a guide, and helping us in this life to understand there is nothing new going on with us that has not happened before and we are not alone.  Here are a couple of the parts of John 15 that really stuck out to me today.


Jhn 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 
I mean Jesus not only tells us what is expected of us he did it as well.  So why is is so hard for us.. you think wow yeah will I will jump in front of a car or a bullet for some one.  But The whole chapter says so much more than just the surface of what we read.  Sometimes it is driving and picking some one up who is stranded during the Superbowl or World Series.  Sometimes it is getting out of our own hurt and helping some one with their hurt. Sometimes it is taking time out of your busy schedule to visit a sick friend or family member.  Sometimes it is giving up your coffee money for the guy on the street who is hungry.  It is more, way more than you can even think of.  Sacrificing what you find valuable to help some one who just can't help themselves.  That is what God looks at and rewards us for doing.  It is easy to take your free time and your extra money to help others with.  It is the sacrifice that makes us shine.

Jhn15:18

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.

This is one thing especially in these times we need to keep in mind.  The Bible is really clear about the end times and what will happen.  So we really should not be surprised as sad as it is when anything Christian sounding sends most of the people around us into a hissyfit.  Hold on to Jesus and the knowledge He gives us in the Bible.  God is in control and has already Won because of the sacrifice Jesus did for us.  We may lose battles and have heart ache but be content.  The sacrifice has made it so the war is won.  I could go on and make this longer with examples but I am pretty sure you know what I am talking about.  Just turn on the news, especially some of the more liberal channels and see how excited they are to see morals going out the window.  Morals are not the reason people want things to happen or not happen anymore.  It is sad but hold on to the fact that they hate Jesus not you, and that Jesus is bigger than them.   And in the end when we are up in our Fathers house we will no longer remember the bad times here.  God loves us and is always reaching out for us.  We need to reach back up to Him and keep Him first.

Trusting God when things are not going my way....

It is crazy.. I see how my life is and can look at different things and nit pick what is wrong and how it can be fixed.  But it never goes that way to be fixed. 
For instance.  Money.. All we need is money to pay the bills.  What if the job is not going well and what if it is gone, or the job is not paying or the money promised to you a long time ago still is not here?  What then? Why is it not going the way we know it should be going? "Why am I not losing the weight?  Why have I been so sick or why am I so sick?  Why is so and so in my family sick?  What is going on?  My world is going crazy around me! Why can't God see how smart I are and just give me what I want?  Why is it not going MY WAY?!"

We all ask these questions and think that. Come on you know that is true.  We all think we are right and we all think we know best.  But has anything you wanted backfired on you?  Then you are like wow I did not really want that...  How many times do you think God has protected us from the backfire of what we thought we wanted and thought was right.  We forget we are influenced by our surroundings a lot and a lot of times forget what our mission on this earth really is.  It is about God not us.  It is about the salvation of those around us.  Those we do not know and those we do know.  We live in the world and God wants us to live in it the best we can, but His way not our way.  He wants us to trust Him with everything we have.  Our health our money our lack of money our family our fears, all of it turned over to His hands. 

When we asked Jesus into our hearts we turned our lives over to God.  We submitted to Him and ask for his covering to protect us from true death.  This life is temporary.  We have a new reason to live now. Spread Jesus' love and show the truth to those who are blind.  Yes we are to live and love and have family and friends but that all comes secondary to making sure our family and friends know the truth.  We are to be bold for Jesus.  Not be afraid of them not liking us or thinking we are crazy.  We know we are not.

It is being selfish that makes us want everything our way.  Yes we need to be responsible but keep an eye on what you are doing and why and make sure you understand that God is truly in control.  Like Job said, "God giveth and God taketh away."

Think about this.  God loves you so much that He sent His only son to die so that we would not all die the death that will be tormenting because He will no longer be there.  So if God loves you that much then He is not going to lead you to a place that will be horrible. 
Now we come to the other part.  The devil does run this world and his main goal is to lead you away from God and to keep you on the track of that.  And then you have free choice.  We are surrounded by people who also want it their way and are not living in the Truth and even some who are who forget,  so we are affected by their decisions.  Not everything that happens to us is what God intended, but God can use anything and everything for His Glory and if we trust in Him the bad will be made good.  We may not see it right away, but it will be and the perfect time when it is the most needed.  We need to remember and hold on to this.   God is Good and God wants the best for us.  But in our own stubbornness we can prevent God from doing something.  You say why? God can do anything.  Yes but He has given us a free will and ultimately the choice is ours.  We chose to follow God and trust He will keep us on the path that leads us to Him if we allow Him too.  There is nothing anyone can do that can separate you from God.  But on your own you can chose to walk away.  So give up your way and let God show you His way.  It is the best thing.  And trust me I have to remember this one daily as well.  OK sometimes every minute..........

I love kids

Growing up is not easy. I think people take kids for granted. Like you are young and flexible and can land on your feet in the end. Be strong, don't cry, everything will be all right, chin up, cheer up, don't bother me with that right now. Are these really what we should be saying to them? Shouldn't it be Jesus is always with you. Jesus hurts when you hurt, I hurt when you hurt. God has won and that means that if you have Jesus in your heart you have won. You may not win all the battles, but you will win the war because God has already won. If kids can be taught anything then why are we not teaching them this?

One thing we forget is that kids are smart and pick up on things that we don't want them to. So shouldn't we stop lying to ourselves that we can hide stuff from them? We are just showing kids how to do the same when they come to a point in their lives to chose between going with the truth or with the lie.

Kids are precious. I don't have any of my own yet but I know they are without a doubt. I have met the most kids. I don't ever remember one child I was not impressed by. They are gifts and we should be treating them so.

My request to you is to take time to see what is really up with the kids that surround you. Do they need protection from something or some one? Do they need to laugh? Do they need a hug or a smile? Do they need some love? Can you help with any of these?