38 Weeks Pregnant!

‎38 Weeks and a HUGE Belly.. :) I keep bumping into things because I am not used to having to worry about if I will fit through the doorway!!!!!

The following is off of a website with info about being 38 weeks pregnant. 
"Your baby has really plumped up. He weighs about 6.8 pounds and he's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). He has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold his hand for the first time! His organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb.

Wondering what color your baby's eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If he's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If he's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time he's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after he's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)"

If he makes it to 6.8 pounds that will truly be a miracle. Right now I see every day as a miracle having him inside me and feeling him move. A year ago I was still preparing for the possibility my body would not take to the fertility. Thank you Jesus :)

It is really crazy to think of all that can change within a year.  Changes can quickly happen within a moment for that matter.   Looking back in my life on the day my parents separated and my Mom asked of my thoughts on moving to California.  This is the same day my teacher pulled me out of class and told me I need to pack up my desk so I can move to California (little did I know it was without my father).  Talk about rocking a 9 year old's world.  Another time a huge change in my life occurred was after I made plans to meet a dear friend for lunch.  Shockingly enough, the same day of our lunch, a different friend called me and told me she was in the hospital due to diabetic shock. Then only a few days later I attended her funeral.  These are only two examples of quite a few changes in my life.   You would think I would be more prepared every time my life changes.  Yet I am not, it is amazing how much we as human beings fight change.  Of course it is not all horrible change that has happened in my life.  For instance, my son coming into the world, is an exciting change, yet it scares the crap out of me...  LOL....

I guess, sometimes maybe fast change is better because waiting for him to come is killing me.. and I am not just talking about that pain I am having here.  I am talking about the anticipation of the cleft, the thoughts of being a good mother or not, the nightmares I am having of messing him up, will he love me as much as I know I love him already, and so on..... 

And yet think of how many times we go through the monotony of life, hoping for some kind of change and when it comes we freak out...  because it is not always good or it is "too" good to be true that something is going to go wrong..  Ah well.  I think we just need to love and be excited and see what happens next.  Look at me the control freak talking like this lol...  We shall see how I do....

Can't wait to meet my Samuel Gerard...  I am in love already :)

My Son the Comedian

Well the great news is Samuel was 5 pounds as of Sept 2 and the specialist was very happy with that.  And my OB says that if I go into labor they won't stop me.  So I guess that means they are happy with all. 
As for the cleft.  This is where people say well he is probably shy.  Well I am not so sure.  I think God is telling him not to show us.  We are supposed to just trust God.  Whether a small cleft, big cleft or no cleft at all.  God is in control and He will be with us the whole way through.  God has been there for me my whole life but at times I forget that all will be ok.  Life has not been easy, but God has always shown He has been there.  So I feel that God once again wants us to remember that no matter what our future holds, He will be there.  Plus how shy can he be if in every ultrasound the first thing he is willing to show is the fact that he is a boy?  Really...  no that is not shy, that another reason I know my son is a comedian and that he is working with God to show that there is a reason we are not allowed to see the whole extent of the cleft.

I know he is a comedian for that reason and this, I am not allowed to sit in ways I find comfortable or have my arms or stuff resting on my tummy.  He kicks or punches until I move or move it away and then he stops and is fine.  He seriously cracks me up already.  I am loving him sooooo much.  Can't wait to see what other stuff he tries to pull on us as he grows up.  I know I am so going to have to work on not laughing my head off as he tries to get away with stuff on us. 

What will the future hold?

I am now 33 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant.  At 26 Weeks they finally got a glimpse of part of my son's face.  I will copy and past our initial reactions in an email first as to catch up so that they are in this blog. 

This was sent by a very close friend after a phone call. 
Hi Everyone. I just got off the phone with Jessica and she asked me to share some news with all of you about Samuel. I'm going to do my best from the notes I took. :)

They had another ultrasound today at 2pm and a Cleft Lip has been confirmed. Because of the position of Samuel, they can't confirm or deny a Bilateral Cleft Lip and Cleft Palette, but it is still a possibility. They requested to perform an amniotic test on Samuel to check for chromosome abnormalities, which John and Jessica both denied for 2 reasons: 1) if they perform the test and confirm Samuel has a certain chromosome abnormality, the doctors would want John and Jessica to terminate the pregnancy and 2) if they discover Samuel doesn't have the chromosome abnormality, the testing could cause preterm labor and problems after childbirth and throughout his life. This is the only way to detect chromosome abnormality. If Samuel does have it, based on previous deliveries and research, the doctors informed John and Jess that Samuel would not survive childbirth. If Samuel doesn't have chromosome abnormality, he will have 1 surgery at 3 months old to fix the cleft lip, or many surgeries if it is Bilateral Cleft Lip and Cleft Palette. The doctors told them that Samuel has a very strong heartbeat and they can't see any other abnormalities that would suggest he has chromosome abnormality, but without the test, there's no guarantee. I think we can all say Samuel is already a strong little man!

We serve an awesome and marvelous God, capable of performing miracles for those that ask. We are obviously asking God for another miracle. Not only for the chromosome abnormality, but also for any form of Cleft Lip little Samuel has. Please continue to pray for John and Jessica as well.

I wanted others to know but could not talk about it yet.  The next I will post is from John to some people.   We did not share with all at this time

Hi all,
What a few days!!! God has been gracious and faithful as we are relying and trusting in him. Thank you for all your prayers, please continue to do so. We saw the OB yesterday. The doctor is soft spoken and explains to us in a very complete and rational ways. He is just the right doctor for Jessica to keep her pressure down and our sanity. We thank God for him. As we move towards the third trimester, the doctor explained what Jess would be feeling and going through. We talked about the day of the birth. He mentioned that the cleft lip/pallet is most likely a singular incident outside of any other abnormality. The ultrasound doctor checked many areas of Samuel and could not see anything else that can cause any other problems. He did think that his weight was a little low. We chose not to take any amniotic test because it can cause a preterm birth which can cause more issues. We asked Jessica’s OB that the ultrasound doctor had us very concerned!!! The OB doctor said, “Yeah, he does that to mostly all my patients. “ The Ob said that he was a very good doctor and just wants us to be prepared with anything that comes our way. So, please continue to pray for the final 3 months of Jessica pregnancy, Samuel’s weight, and the birth of Samuel to go smoothly. Also, that the Lord may touch the cleft lip/pallet to make it whole, so Samuel can be spared from the future surgery’s and Jessica can breastfeed. So that we will meet Samuel face to face and hold him in our arms to love and cherish and change his many diapers. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts of love as we continue this journey.

OK back to me now.  So the biggest part of the Specialist being worried of the abnormality was because of his low weight.  He was only 1 pound and 11 ounces.  He should have been more.  Outside of that the ultrasound showed his heart very strong, he was practicing breathing and practicing eating.  So they wanted me to go back in four weeks.  After all he put me through and Samuel not really wanting to show his face I decided and John agreed that if this next ultrasound he could not know anything then after we would not go back to him at all and just wait until Samuel is born to see what God has in store for us and our future. 

So We went back and still my lovely child does not want to show his face.  But good news he gained a pound and the doctor did not bring up the abnormality at all.  He was happy with the weight gain even though Samuel is still small (in the 20th percentile) but the weight gain is good.  So we agreed to go back to the specialist on Sept 2 to see how much more he gains now.

A New Beginning

I have had a few new beginnings in my life.  This year is one that I cherish the most.  On January 1 I started my period again.  To many it is normal and an every day thing.  For me it was horrible and I cried.  The IUI did not work.  Was it ever going to happen?  We did not have the money to get up very high in Fertility.  I thought maybe it was time to give up for now and just try to lose more weight.  I had the Lapland done and am down 60 pounds.  My blood pressure had been good after only 30 pounds.  The doctor was happy and this was try number three.  You say only try number three?  Why so upset?  Well the first time there was still no ovulation and there was on try 2 and 3.  The third time is when IUI was tried.  But for me we have not been on birth control at all because I have PCOS.  I can skip a period or two no problem or have one every two weeks.  In my 20's I bled for 5 years straight.  So you see to me this was maybe God telling me it was not meant to be.   They said this round we would do shots.  Which could cost a bit and we are on a tight budget.  I was like is it wise?  John said we could try once and then not for a while.  I did not think I could handle it again.  My Mom encouraged me as well.  John was so for it that I was like ok, but still scared.  My heart could only take so much more. 

So Day Three of my Period the shots began.  and Then it went to check for ovulation.  And I ended up ready for ovulating a couple of days early so they gave me the shot.  It was time to get ready for the IUI.  Jan 12 and 13 the IUI was performed.  Now the big waiting game.  I say game, but it was almost torture to me.  After one week they text your progesterone levels.  So on Jan 20 they tell me mine is great at 33.  Now you think wow nice, but the first three times it was also great so to me it was just something else setting me up for heartbreak.  You think wow so negative.  But it is not easy to want something so bad as this and not know if you will ever receive it, if it is meant to be.  I want God's will for me and if God wanted me to only adopt I was going to be ok with that but all this trying and possibilities got me wanting it more.  Wanting it more made it hurt more.  And each time it didn't happen made my heart crush 10 times more than the last time. 

Now on to week 2 when they test for pregnancy.  Every time tried becomes the longest two weeks of a couples life.  And then waiting for the test results on that day makes every phone ring heart pounding.  My test was on Jan 27.  I could not breath.  John and I agreed that I would tell him when he got home in person the news, this was unless the news was not good and I broke down too much.   They called me and told me I was pregnant!  My HCG was 42.  I was hearing her talk but my brain was trying to understand what I was hearing.  Did I hear right?  Am I going crazy?  Am I really on the phone?  I said thank you and hung up..  I didn't know what to do..   I just sat and stared.  There was NO WAY waiting for John was going to happen.. That was impossible!!! Are you kidding me?  So I called his desk phone.. no answer..  REALLY!?  I called again! nothing.. OK breathe..  wait five minutes..  OMG I can't wait five minutes!!!  so I called again!  nothing!  THAT IS IT!!!  now his cell does not work well there so this may not work.  First I texted him screaming I am trying to call.  Like he can hear a text lol..   I then called his cell, he answered and I screamed.. omg I am trying to CALL YOU!!!  he is like I am in the bathroom..  then I just yell..  "I CAN'T TAKE IT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU!  I AM PREGNANT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DADDY!"  So yeah I break the news to John while he is on the pot!  this will be a fun one to remember lol..

The emotional roller coaster does not stop here though.  They test your blood ever two days.  So two days later, Jan 29 I get my blood test to check my HCG levels..  They are supposed to double up every two to three days.  We get the call and my levels dropped a point.  Now it is 41.  They say it might be bad news.  Already miscarrying or ectopic.  News that started my heart breaking again.  They said to come back on Monday for another test.  So Jan 31 waiting for the results.  My levels only go up to 57.  The doctor wants me to stop taking my progesterone.  They have you take progesterone because it is essential for a woman to have good levels being pregnant and most fertility patients have issues producing it well enough alone.  So stopping progesterone if there is a baby meant my body had to produce enough on it's own to help provide for the baby.  He was pretty sure I would start my period again in a couple of days.  My heart was breaking all over again and every time I went to the bathroom I held my breath.  Nothing happened. 

So Monday morning Feb 7 I called the doctor as requested to get an ultrasound and see what was going on.  John goes with me..  The doctor looks and he sees that I  have something implanted on my uterus.  He is shocked.  He was sure if I didn't start my period it could be ectopic or something like that.  So onto get my blood test to see what is going on with my HCG.  The doctor says that pregnancy is not probably but not impossible.  We wait again.  Up and down with emotions and spurts of crying.  I answer the phone and this time it is the doctor himself calling.  He is all surprised.  my HCG levels jumped they are 1155.  He says it is a miracle.  He says we still have to watch me.  He is not sure what will happen and I have jumped to high risk.  He wants me back on progesterone.  my levels were good but he still wanted me on it just in case and to see me in another week. 

We are still on edge.. the ups and down of this can get to you and then they are like ok don't stress its not good for you and the baby.. oh really you try not stressing!!!!  I had wanted to write a poem for my baby but I kept waiting.  The next day was Valentines Day and we would soon found out if the baby was growing or if it would just an implantation with nothing inside.  I should wait.  I felt a tug on my heart.  Don't wait.  This was hard for me.  What if I write a poem and nothing happens?  I gave in to the tugging.  This is what I wrote to my child.

A Miracle You Are

Growing inside of me

I have this sense of wonder
Will you look more like Daddy
Or like me, I sit and ponder

God has given me a huge blessing
A miracle you are, you must know
God loves you more than I am stressing
I can’t describe, but I hope to show

I finally get to be a Mommy
What will you be like, I’m not sure
But I am hoping that you and me
Through it all, will endure

God has made you with Hands so gentle
No matter how you feel
Never forget that you are special
A miracle you are, you must know

2/13/11

The next Morning Valentines day.  We go back to the doctor.  We see the ultrasound and there you see it.  A tiny egg forming inside the sac that had implanted in my uterus.  A miracle.

We had a doctor's appt every Monday morning my first trimester.  On Feb 21st we saw the heartbeat  for the first time.  Our last doctor's appt with the fertility doctor was March 31.  He called it Graduation Day.  April 2 I started my second trimester.  We had our ups and downs after that too but I am not as high risk now and we are on our way.. I freak out because we have to wait so long to know the baby is ok for sure.  I am starting to fill him or her move now.  You would think I could get on that and be excited.  My fear is sometimes takes over, but I look back and I know my baby is ok.  I am now 17 weeks and so can't wait to hold our child for the first time.  We see the Ob, whom I absolutely love, again on May 11.  Then we will get the paperwork to find out the sex of our child.  From there we get to register.  I am so excited for this new beginning of our family. 

HUGS to you for reading my newest beginning.

A poem I wrote in Nov or Dec.

I cannot find the exact date but will post it when I find it.

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts
My heart aches
For the children
I long to hold and love

I do understand
That they will not
Be called my own
They’ll belong to God

I love the children
That we should cherish
All I ask of you Lord
Is for this privilege

I ask that whether
I am able to conceive
Or you bring them to me
I can raise them to love You

 
Since this Poem God has done a Miracle.  Through Artificial Insemination, I am now pregnant.  I am almost 15 weeks.  We are so excited.  It was not an easy thing in getting here.  Also right after we found out I was, there were dangers of us losing our precious one.  God decided no, that we will keep him or her.  I am already in love with my child and cannot wait until I hold him or her.  After TTC and what was going on I think I am ready to write again and hope not to have as much down times.  
 

Some new Poems by Me

Jan 23rd
Jesus is Due

A Trial you are in
Time to Call on God it is
The devil does not want that
Instead, he wants you in a tiz

How did this trial come?
Was someone mean?
Are you sick or out of
Nowhere it come, it seems?

There is no matter of that
Against flesh and blood it is not
A spiritual warfare is what you see
Bitterness and anger won’t help it stop

On your knees is where to be
Out showing God’s love is what to do
Don’t let the devil rock your world
Let the World know Jesus is Due!


Jan 25
Are you too busy to show love?

You have a ton to do today
You’re not sure you’ll get it done
And you even begin to panic,
Wanting to get in a little fun

You run around not even looking
To your left or to your right
Not seeing who God put there
Needing a little bit of your light

This world is not what is true
All the pain, bills, sickness, etc. will end
Only what Jesus did for us matters
He is the one who set the trend

Jesus is coming back soon
Do those around you know His love?
We think our life on earth is everything
All things here will end, except what is above.

The Craziness of Life

Today John was talking about how fast life goes.  He just turned 33 yesterday and was like wow life is going fast and I wonder if the next 33 years will go just as fast.  Well this got me thinking.  Why is is that I don't feel that way?  I am 35 so I have 2 years on him and I do not feel my life is going by fast at all.  This year alone has been crazy for me.  I have been sick this whole year.  I am just now getting better and we are going to be on month 7 tomorrow.  I have felt distance from all my friends.  Not that it is their fault they get busy and have a life too.  Me I feel like all I give out is drama drama drama to people.  I get the feeling like some of my friends do not want to deal with me and my drama.  I even apologized to John today about that.  Saying he might have a better life if my life was not entwined in his.
Today my brother in law was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in is spinal cord and brain stem.  They are still seeing what is up with it and if it can be removed or not.  He is 27.  it is crazy.  So now I am thankful that my lump is benign.  I have a lot more lumps or nodules as the doctor says, (the are assuming that they are all the same and I will be ok but are watching me) but even if they have to remove them all eventually, the worse I am going to have is a shaved head with a bunch of small scars from removing them.  This is because they are not in my brain.  Ray could become paralyzed or even die and leave his beautiful daughter, my niece and his beautiful wife, my sister behind.  Yes he is a Christian and will go to be with our Lord but my sister will be a widow at the age of 24.  I can't even fathom that one.
OK back to the craziness of life.  I do not think my life has gone to fast at all.  I won't say it is going too slow though.  Then I look back at my life and see all the insanity and feel like I have lived a ton of lives.  Before my parents divorced and after, being homeless, going back and forth between California and Illinois until I was 18, College, trying to figure out what is supposed to happen since I have graduated college, on to a marriage that failed, and now married again to my wonderful husband John.  FYI that was putting it lightly.  There is way more I could say but I am sure that you see my point about crazy without the violent things I could add in there.  When I look at all that and try to think back it comes to me on why I don't see my life as going too fast.  Maybe everyone looks back and wonders wow.  But when I hear talking about how fast life is, I wonder and consider a few times I wish it went faster, but I think right now I am ok with the pace of my life.
  All I know is that I am so glad I found Jesus.  I am not even sure I would be alive today without Him.  Jesus is my Rock and has provided me with 2 people in my life to get me through things.  The same 2 the whole time.  My Mom and my Sister.  They have been there from the beginning and I don't make sense without them.  There have been others to come into my life for certain times I know I would not have survived without them there.  I thank God for them to.  Many are very special to me, but these stand out because they have seen me at my worst and I pray that will see me at my best one day.  I can say this, my 30's have been the best so far.  I think John has a lot to do with that.  My loving Husband.  He puts up with a lot being married to me because I am still growing and maturing.  He says that I make his life interesting.  Well I am glad I am good for something :).
So yes I have Jesus, and that is how I survive the craziness of life, well my life that is.  For all of you who have been there and know the deep background thank you and I am sorry for the times my drama stressed you out.
I do have to say this.  Everything I have been through makes me who I am today.  And I know it is not even close to over.  God already told me what he wants me to do. The problem I have is He has not told me how or ever where to find the open door to get that done.  Then I go back and read my other blog about God's timing and not mine and think to myself.. OK FINE!  I will give it to God sit back and try to go with the flow of my crazy life.  I am hoping maybe in all this I can actually help someone who needs it and make a difference for them.
Thank you God for always being there and even when I cannot feel it you were always holding my heart in your hands.  Please do the same for my family right now and even let then feel it like you let me one time.