Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A New Beginning

I have had a few new beginnings in my life.  This year is one that I cherish the most.  On January 1 I started my period again.  To many it is normal and an every day thing.  For me it was horrible and I cried.  The IUI did not work.  Was it ever going to happen?  We did not have the money to get up very high in Fertility.  I thought maybe it was time to give up for now and just try to lose more weight.  I had the Lapland done and am down 60 pounds.  My blood pressure had been good after only 30 pounds.  The doctor was happy and this was try number three.  You say only try number three?  Why so upset?  Well the first time there was still no ovulation and there was on try 2 and 3.  The third time is when IUI was tried.  But for me we have not been on birth control at all because I have PCOS.  I can skip a period or two no problem or have one every two weeks.  In my 20's I bled for 5 years straight.  So you see to me this was maybe God telling me it was not meant to be.   They said this round we would do shots.  Which could cost a bit and we are on a tight budget.  I was like is it wise?  John said we could try once and then not for a while.  I did not think I could handle it again.  My Mom encouraged me as well.  John was so for it that I was like ok, but still scared.  My heart could only take so much more. 

So Day Three of my Period the shots began.  and Then it went to check for ovulation.  And I ended up ready for ovulating a couple of days early so they gave me the shot.  It was time to get ready for the IUI.  Jan 12 and 13 the IUI was performed.  Now the big waiting game.  I say game, but it was almost torture to me.  After one week they text your progesterone levels.  So on Jan 20 they tell me mine is great at 33.  Now you think wow nice, but the first three times it was also great so to me it was just something else setting me up for heartbreak.  You think wow so negative.  But it is not easy to want something so bad as this and not know if you will ever receive it, if it is meant to be.  I want God's will for me and if God wanted me to only adopt I was going to be ok with that but all this trying and possibilities got me wanting it more.  Wanting it more made it hurt more.  And each time it didn't happen made my heart crush 10 times more than the last time. 

Now on to week 2 when they test for pregnancy.  Every time tried becomes the longest two weeks of a couples life.  And then waiting for the test results on that day makes every phone ring heart pounding.  My test was on Jan 27.  I could not breath.  John and I agreed that I would tell him when he got home in person the news, this was unless the news was not good and I broke down too much.   They called me and told me I was pregnant!  My HCG was 42.  I was hearing her talk but my brain was trying to understand what I was hearing.  Did I hear right?  Am I going crazy?  Am I really on the phone?  I said thank you and hung up..  I didn't know what to do..   I just sat and stared.  There was NO WAY waiting for John was going to happen.. That was impossible!!! Are you kidding me?  So I called his desk phone.. no answer..  REALLY!?  I called again! nothing.. OK breathe..  wait five minutes..  OMG I can't wait five minutes!!!  so I called again!  nothing!  THAT IS IT!!!  now his cell does not work well there so this may not work.  First I texted him screaming I am trying to call.  Like he can hear a text lol..   I then called his cell, he answered and I screamed.. omg I am trying to CALL YOU!!!  he is like I am in the bathroom..  then I just yell..  "I CAN'T TAKE IT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU!  I AM PREGNANT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A DADDY!"  So yeah I break the news to John while he is on the pot!  this will be a fun one to remember lol..

The emotional roller coaster does not stop here though.  They test your blood ever two days.  So two days later, Jan 29 I get my blood test to check my HCG levels..  They are supposed to double up every two to three days.  We get the call and my levels dropped a point.  Now it is 41.  They say it might be bad news.  Already miscarrying or ectopic.  News that started my heart breaking again.  They said to come back on Monday for another test.  So Jan 31 waiting for the results.  My levels only go up to 57.  The doctor wants me to stop taking my progesterone.  They have you take progesterone because it is essential for a woman to have good levels being pregnant and most fertility patients have issues producing it well enough alone.  So stopping progesterone if there is a baby meant my body had to produce enough on it's own to help provide for the baby.  He was pretty sure I would start my period again in a couple of days.  My heart was breaking all over again and every time I went to the bathroom I held my breath.  Nothing happened. 

So Monday morning Feb 7 I called the doctor as requested to get an ultrasound and see what was going on.  John goes with me..  The doctor looks and he sees that I  have something implanted on my uterus.  He is shocked.  He was sure if I didn't start my period it could be ectopic or something like that.  So onto get my blood test to see what is going on with my HCG.  The doctor says that pregnancy is not probably but not impossible.  We wait again.  Up and down with emotions and spurts of crying.  I answer the phone and this time it is the doctor himself calling.  He is all surprised.  my HCG levels jumped they are 1155.  He says it is a miracle.  He says we still have to watch me.  He is not sure what will happen and I have jumped to high risk.  He wants me back on progesterone.  my levels were good but he still wanted me on it just in case and to see me in another week. 

We are still on edge.. the ups and down of this can get to you and then they are like ok don't stress its not good for you and the baby.. oh really you try not stressing!!!!  I had wanted to write a poem for my baby but I kept waiting.  The next day was Valentines Day and we would soon found out if the baby was growing or if it would just an implantation with nothing inside.  I should wait.  I felt a tug on my heart.  Don't wait.  This was hard for me.  What if I write a poem and nothing happens?  I gave in to the tugging.  This is what I wrote to my child.

A Miracle You Are

Growing inside of me

I have this sense of wonder
Will you look more like Daddy
Or like me, I sit and ponder

God has given me a huge blessing
A miracle you are, you must know
God loves you more than I am stressing
I can’t describe, but I hope to show

I finally get to be a Mommy
What will you be like, I’m not sure
But I am hoping that you and me
Through it all, will endure

God has made you with Hands so gentle
No matter how you feel
Never forget that you are special
A miracle you are, you must know

2/13/11

The next Morning Valentines day.  We go back to the doctor.  We see the ultrasound and there you see it.  A tiny egg forming inside the sac that had implanted in my uterus.  A miracle.

We had a doctor's appt every Monday morning my first trimester.  On Feb 21st we saw the heartbeat  for the first time.  Our last doctor's appt with the fertility doctor was March 31.  He called it Graduation Day.  April 2 I started my second trimester.  We had our ups and downs after that too but I am not as high risk now and we are on our way.. I freak out because we have to wait so long to know the baby is ok for sure.  I am starting to fill him or her move now.  You would think I could get on that and be excited.  My fear is sometimes takes over, but I look back and I know my baby is ok.  I am now 17 weeks and so can't wait to hold our child for the first time.  We see the Ob, whom I absolutely love, again on May 11.  Then we will get the paperwork to find out the sex of our child.  From there we get to register.  I am so excited for this new beginning of our family. 

HUGS to you for reading my newest beginning.