The Craziness of Life

Today John was talking about how fast life goes.  He just turned 33 yesterday and was like wow life is going fast and I wonder if the next 33 years will go just as fast.  Well this got me thinking.  Why is is that I don't feel that way?  I am 35 so I have 2 years on him and I do not feel my life is going by fast at all.  This year alone has been crazy for me.  I have been sick this whole year.  I am just now getting better and we are going to be on month 7 tomorrow.  I have felt distance from all my friends.  Not that it is their fault they get busy and have a life too.  Me I feel like all I give out is drama drama drama to people.  I get the feeling like some of my friends do not want to deal with me and my drama.  I even apologized to John today about that.  Saying he might have a better life if my life was not entwined in his.
Today my brother in law was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in is spinal cord and brain stem.  They are still seeing what is up with it and if it can be removed or not.  He is 27.  it is crazy.  So now I am thankful that my lump is benign.  I have a lot more lumps or nodules as the doctor says, (the are assuming that they are all the same and I will be ok but are watching me) but even if they have to remove them all eventually, the worse I am going to have is a shaved head with a bunch of small scars from removing them.  This is because they are not in my brain.  Ray could become paralyzed or even die and leave his beautiful daughter, my niece and his beautiful wife, my sister behind.  Yes he is a Christian and will go to be with our Lord but my sister will be a widow at the age of 24.  I can't even fathom that one.
OK back to the craziness of life.  I do not think my life has gone to fast at all.  I won't say it is going too slow though.  Then I look back at my life and see all the insanity and feel like I have lived a ton of lives.  Before my parents divorced and after, being homeless, going back and forth between California and Illinois until I was 18, College, trying to figure out what is supposed to happen since I have graduated college, on to a marriage that failed, and now married again to my wonderful husband John.  FYI that was putting it lightly.  There is way more I could say but I am sure that you see my point about crazy without the violent things I could add in there.  When I look at all that and try to think back it comes to me on why I don't see my life as going too fast.  Maybe everyone looks back and wonders wow.  But when I hear talking about how fast life is, I wonder and consider a few times I wish it went faster, but I think right now I am ok with the pace of my life.
  All I know is that I am so glad I found Jesus.  I am not even sure I would be alive today without Him.  Jesus is my Rock and has provided me with 2 people in my life to get me through things.  The same 2 the whole time.  My Mom and my Sister.  They have been there from the beginning and I don't make sense without them.  There have been others to come into my life for certain times I know I would not have survived without them there.  I thank God for them to.  Many are very special to me, but these stand out because they have seen me at my worst and I pray that will see me at my best one day.  I can say this, my 30's have been the best so far.  I think John has a lot to do with that.  My loving Husband.  He puts up with a lot being married to me because I am still growing and maturing.  He says that I make his life interesting.  Well I am glad I am good for something :).
So yes I have Jesus, and that is how I survive the craziness of life, well my life that is.  For all of you who have been there and know the deep background thank you and I am sorry for the times my drama stressed you out.
I do have to say this.  Everything I have been through makes me who I am today.  And I know it is not even close to over.  God already told me what he wants me to do. The problem I have is He has not told me how or ever where to find the open door to get that done.  Then I go back and read my other blog about God's timing and not mine and think to myself.. OK FINE!  I will give it to God sit back and try to go with the flow of my crazy life.  I am hoping maybe in all this I can actually help someone who needs it and make a difference for them.
Thank you God for always being there and even when I cannot feel it you were always holding my heart in your hands.  Please do the same for my family right now and even let then feel it like you let me one time.